When I was about 17, I had a dream that I was a man wearing a scratchy woolen robe… That’s a really weird feeling when you are a teenage girl. I felt the weight of the robe on my body and the rough feeling on my skin as I stood in a simple room with coarse wooden walls and a cold dirt floor. I knew in my dream that this was the place where Jesus was born, and I was there. I hadn’t thought too much about Jesus in my waking life, so to dream of this time and place was highly unusual, to say the least. I had nothing to offer in my dream but a dried bundle of willow full of furry catkins held in my arms. I remember saying, “I have nothing to give.” A deep feeling of inadequacy filled me as I stood in my heavy robe. Not knowing what to do or say, a beautiful shimmering blue light touched with white, came down from above me and filled my body and spirit with such a deep feeling of love and acceptance that I wept with joy and ecstasy. I didn’t know this feeling could be so powerful and overwhelming that it could bring you to your knees. As I wept, the furry catkins fell and green leaves sprouted from the dried branches in my arms. I felt unconditionally and completely loved and accepted in every fiber of my being. I was enough and brought enough to that moment. This light was alive, and as it moved through me, it was communicating something so profound, it uplifted and changed me in that very moment.
Here is the twist, suddenly, the light was gone and I went up through what seemed to be an attic door where a man with long dark hair and a beard was standing before me laughing. It was not a kind hearted laugh, it was menacing and filled with ridicule. He looked like Jesus, but I wasn’t sure in the moment. Was he supposed to be Jesus? It seemed as though he wanted to take advantage of me. It didn’t feel anything like the loving light that had just swooped over me. I felt fear at this point and woke confused and at the same time, and still changed from within.
For many years, I tried to explain this dream to certain people and had difficulty articulating the depth of feeling involved. Like my feeling in the dream, my attempts to explain this experience all felt so inadequate. It was also confusing to feel the deep power of love as this light moved though me. Many times I found myself feeling as though the light should have come after as a way of saving me from that man. But it didn’t. Yet, the dream had such powerful love, as if to say, “I’m here and this is what you need to know as you go through many deceptions in your life. You are loved now and always. Remember this. It is your protection.”
Decades later, as people fight amongst themselves about the correct politics, the true religion, your worth based skin color, continuing to oppress and punish the perceived enemy of the moment, wars and strife throughout the world, I am brought back to this single moment in time where I felt the kind of love that we all need. The kind of love that forgives and helps us feel unified instead of separate. If all of us experienced this kind of love, we would certainly have much more compassion towards each other. It grounds me and brings a certain peace within me. The dream has also always led me to wonder about the truth in the world and in God. Thus, the wondering mystic has emerged.
